for two years now i've been having an affair with a married man. he's married, i'm single, and we live in different cities. i know a lot of people are in such relationships, but there's something very unusual, even odd, about ours - apart from the fact that it's an extra marital relationship i mean.
most such 'affairs' i've come across are either casual and hands-off, like a one-night stand; or deep and emotional, like any other long-term relationship, except that in this case they're hidden. in our case, neither description is true.
for one, we're great friends - possibly each other's closest friends in many ways. he trusts me a hundred percent and i feel the same. it's a deep, abiding, strong bond. secondly, we're very attracted to each other physically - the sex is fantastic, wild and unhibited. now this should mean we try to get together every chance we get. yet, he often comes into my city and leaves without us meeting because he's here on work and very busy. also, often, days go by without us talking or communicating in any way. no constant lover-like communciation.
then, there's his marriage. from what i know, they aren't one of those couples who have no relationship with each other and just live together for appearances sake. they have a very real family, kids, parents, relatives, movies, vacations, jokes, friends, work - the works. he's never made the typical excuses or any excuses at all about his marriage - you know, the she-doesnt-understand-me-at-all routine, or the we-live-together-but-it's-only-for-the-sake-of-parents/children/etc speech. yes, like with most relationships/marriages, she's not everything he would want her to be; i'm sure she feels the same about him. but we're not pretending that he and i are the real thing and she and he are just for convention/convenience etc.
yet, there's me and him. we're not emotional about our involvement, or possessive about it. but it's certainly significant to both of us, and not just for the sex, because if it were, we'd be making an attempt to see each other a lot more than we do.
in a nutshell, here's the situation. there's a reasonably happily married man nevertheless having an affair with a woman in another city who's a close friend and lover; they're both very involved with each other but not 'in love' and they don't expect anything from the relationship. they don't seem to give each other anything tangible but they don't give each other up either.
add to this the angle that this guy once had a one-night stand with another woman. he immediately told me. did it kill me? no. did it bother me at all? sure did. but i can deal with it. and how did he feel about it? guilty? yes. guilty towards his wife, and guilty towards me. he's obviously not able to tell his wife but he's able to tell me. i know anyone reading this is likely to say you moron, how can you see that as a good sign; the fact that the man can cheat on you and tell you. seen through the eyes of logic and decent behaviour, i'm sure this comes up pretty short. all i know is that we have no commitment of any sort to each other, so i appreciate that he tells me the truth, and that even without a commitment he feels a sense of responsibility to our relationship. likewise for me. i tell him when i date other men; and if and when i sleep with any of them. i don't know if it bothers him - i've never asked and he's never said. but it makes me a little guilty when i do, even though he doesn't expect me to be celibate.
what does that make this relationship - apart from very complex, of course? many people would tell me it makes me an idiot and both of us immoral scums-of-the-earth. all i can say is that if two otherwise ethical, honest, straightforward people can do what we do and not be consumed by guilt; if we can be brutally honest and yet totally accepting of each other, i'm not ready to write us off as lowlives so easily.
