the truth about fidelity

i'm in a good position to talk about fidelity, i think. i've been unfaithful, had people be unfaithful to me, and am condoning someone else's unfaithfulness at the moment.

that's the strange thing about fidelity - you have to have been unfaithful to discuss it with any kind of realism. otherwise, you're an idealist who has the noble idea, but you're in no position to talk about it with certainty.

till a few years ago, i was 100% convinced that every single human being can be faithful if they want to be; that people who make excuses for their infidelity are doing just that - making excuses. i still believe that. what i don't believe anymore is that fidelity is something to aspire to above all else in a relationship. sure, it's very important, but even more so is total, complete, brutal honesty. it can make your relationship survive what nothing else can.

also, the whole definition of fidelity is suspect. mostly, faithfulness seems to be about sex - get physical with anyone other than your partner and you're unfaithful. but what about an intense, close relationship that's not physical? what about sharing your deepest thoughts and concerns and passions with someone other than your partner? what about chat sex, or phone sex? what about lusting after someone else all the time? can you ignore all of these and feel hurt only when your partner sleeps with someone else? does the fact that someone else is privy to his or her deepest feelings and emotions not cause as much hurt? what is fidelity, then?

that's my point. fidelity, like everything else, is not black-and-white. and the moment you've got shades of grey, you've got trouble.